The Sacred Mess: Reclaiming Myself Beyond Religion, Roles, and Rules

What if the unraveling isn’t the end, but the most sacred beginning?

🌀 When the Life You Built Starts to Crumble

There was many moments—quiet, devastating, and utterly clarifying—when I realized I no longer recognized the woman I had become.

I was still moving through the motions of life: the polished smile, the faithful obedience, the carefully curated roles. But inside, I was unraveling. Something deep within me was whispering (and later, screaming), “This isn’t your truth anymore.”

It wasn’t just my faith that fractured—it was the entire scaffolding I’d built my identity around. The good Christian mother. The good passionate minister. The good submissive wife. The certainty. The belonging I had traded for approval.

And when it all began to fall apart, I panicked. I grieved. I fought the freefall.

Because no one had ever told me that collapse could be holy.

But now I know—it is.

The falling apart was the beginning of my becoming.

🎭 The Roles I Was Given (and the Ones I Outgrew)

I was handed a script before I even had language for choice. Be kind. Be quiet. Be pure. Be less. Be hidden. Be submissive. Be what makes others comfortable.

I played the part well—so well, in fact, that for a long time, I didn’t even know I was acting.

I equated love with performance. Safety with silence. Holiness with disappearing.

My worth was measured in how little space I took up and how much I gave away. And under the weight of all those expectations, I slowly stopped existing.

But Spirit never called me to be a ghost of myself.

The life I was given was not the life I was meant for.

💔 The Beautiful Breaking

When the first cracks appeared, I did everything I could to seal them. I tried to be more obedient, more forgiving, more grateful. I doubled down on perfection. I spiritualized my suffering.

But the cracks widened. The pressure built. And eventually, everything broke open.

Losing my second child shattered me to the core. But so did losing the version of God who was supposed to hold me through it. The faith I once leaned on felt paper-thin when real life demanded something deeper, something more honest.

It was lonely. It was terrifying. And it was sacred.

Because in the breaking, I wasn’t losing myself—I was finally being revealed.

🔥 The Divine Was in the Debris

I spent so long believing that divinity only existed in sanctuaries, scriptures, and sermons. But when those things fell away, something wild and holy found me.

She came to me in silence. In tears. In my mess and chaos. In the sound of my own breath when I finally listened.

I discovered that God—Spirit—Source—was never outside of me. She had been buried under shame and duty and fear, waiting patiently for me to come home.

I began to feel Her in the curve of my own hips, in the warmth of shared love, in the unapologetic way I said yes to myself.

This wasn’t rebellion.

This was resurrection.

🌺 The Wild Reclaiming

I didn’t glue the pieces back together the same way. I let myself be rearranged.

Now, I am a woman who loves deeply and differently. I am a partner, a guide, a sensual being, a spiritual trailblazer. I no longer need a pulpit to preach or a title to belong. I belong to me.

I reclaimed my voice.My sensuality.My autonomy.My joy.

I stopped asking for permission.

And the beautiful thing is, the people who love me now—the ones who see me—aren’t clinging to my past roles. They are celebrating my becoming.

💌 For the One Standing in the Rubble

If you’re in the middle of your own unraveling, hear this with your whole heart:

You are not broken.You are not failing.You are not too much.

You are being reborn.

There is wisdom in the wreckage. There is holiness in your humanity. You don’t have to rush to rebuild. You don’t have to earn your worth. You don’t have to be “fixed.”

Let it be messy. Let it be sacred. Let it be yours.

🧘‍♀️ Reflection Questions

Take a deep breath. Drop into your body. Let your inner voice answer these, without judgment or rush:

• What identities or roles have you felt pressured to uphold?

• Can you recall a moment when your inner world no longer aligned with your outer life?

• Who handed you your original “script”? Religious leaders? Parents? Culture?

• Are there any roles you’re currently outgrowing, even if you’re scared to admit it?

• What parts of your story broke you open?

• In what ways have you tried to “hold it together” when life was asking you to fall apart?

• Where do you feel the Divine now—outside of traditional spaces?

• What have you discovered about your own inner wisdom since releasing old beliefs?

• What would it look like to stop asking for permission and start choosing yourself?

• Who are you becoming when you’re not performing for anyone else?

✨ Empowering Truth Statement

I am not here to perform perfection. I am here to embody truth. My mess is not my shame—it is my sanctuary. In the ruins, I found my soul.

-with much love, Kami